Depression and adventure...

So here I sit depressed as fuck. I have had a very large part of my life taken away from me. It all happened about 4 and half years ago. I was standing in a parking lot getting something out of my trunk when I heard someone say something to me. I still have no idea what the mother fucker said. So I turned from the trunk of my car and faced his car head on. He looked at me and said something else. Before I could get the word What out of my mouth he had his engine floored and he was headed right for me. He was rough 12 feet away when he gunned the engine. What I can see in my mind in slow motion and so vividly actually happened so quick, I don't think I could have done anything to avoid being hit by this vehicle. Well I didn't avoid the accident.

Just before the vehicle hit me, I tried to jump straight up thinking this might help me for some unknown reason. It actually did help a great deal. All because of my pathetic little white man jump I didn't get completely run over by the late 80s Cutlass Cierra. Instead my knee took an impact I will never forget against the bumper, this caused my body to flop forward and smack the hood of his car with my basically the whole upper half of my body. Well the driver never slowed down. Nope not one fucking bit!!! ***Insert nasty name calling here*** So as I smacked the hood of his piece of shit Cutlass Cierra my body continued to flip over the hood and off to the side. I landed on the ground right next to his car. Has he was speeding off I still remember the rear wheel going by my face and missing it by two inches max!!!! Anyways, how I landed on the ground is what has screwed up my life in so many ways. I landed on the back of my head. My chin hit my chest so hard it left a bruise on my chest!!! First time I have ever seen that is what the doctor said to me. I also managed to not break a single bone. The doctors told me that was the bad part. You see what  I did injure was every muscle in my upper back and neck.

These days, four and half years later, I deal with constant headaches, I can barely turn my head to the left, some days I can't hold my own head up, and the pain....well the pain never stops. I guess I shouldn't say never, but I can say it hasn't stopped yet. That is a very long time to deal with this amount of pain. It hurts me to say that I have spent many nights trying to make a decision of whether to put myself down or keep moving forward. All I have to do is see my 7 year old daughters face, and that answer becomes quite easy to me. Although, I live with this depression. Many of the things I love to do I can't/ Plain and simple, I just can't do them. Most days my hands are so numb I can't pass a bottle of ketchup without using two hands.

I am still able to ride a motorcycle though! Motorcycles are the one thing in my life that I have had serious passion for! I mean I still remember the first bike I ever saw up close. It was an old trials bike bye bultaco. I knew I wanted to ride any and every kind of motorcycle I could throw my leg over! And to this day there are a few bikes out there that still elude me, but I have ridden so very many.

My doctor tells me if I don't see a psychologist soon that I my problems and my depression are only going to get worse. So I am thinking what I need is a short one man retreat. Me, my motorcycle, my journal, some music, and I would like to find a way to carry a guitar with me as well. Oh, and I need a decent digital camera as well. One week....seven days....168 hours....10080 minutes....604800 seconds....a lifetime of healing on my mind and soul.

So what is preventing me from doing this? My family? No I can't blame them....Money? Well, yeah maybe a little bit. My fear? Very much so. What if I find that I can't return to the ones I love because I don't want to be a burden on anyone. Would they miss me? Yes of course they would. But my wife tells me all the time how much she misses the old me.

So where does this leave me..................................................................................